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What Dads Are Made Of?

The three unique ways fathers contribute to childhood development

Judesen Culbreth -- In Readers’ Digest, June 2005 

WILL MCALPINE, two and a half years old, likes to "help" his dad, Eric, in their suburban backyard in Glen Ellyn, Illinois. As father and son toss grass, leaves and rocks into a wheelbarrow, Eric points out different colors and shapes. Sometimes they pause during their chores to observe planes and clouds overhead. What they don't pay attention to is the mess of mud on their shoes – or how they leave a trail of dirt in their wake when they enter the house.

David Pike of Charlotte, North Carolina, relishes reading to his three young daughters at bedtime. He reads familiar favorites like Goodnight Moon and Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham. Just as the girls' mom, Katie, thinks David has the kids settled down, "a giggle fest erupts," she says. Five-year-old Aidan begins pleading for David to "squirb" her (the family's term for making funny sounds on their bellies). "Squirb me. Squirb me too," squeals three-year-old Herrón. By now everyone is wide awake.

Dad: He's a mess-maker, rule-breaker, risk-taker. In general, he's the opposite of Mom, the master nurturer, creator of law and order. But for all his mischief. Dad is doing something quite right. The same daddy-like interactions that sometimes annoy moms will significantly contribute to children's social skills and success in school.  "Children's social, physical, and intellectual development benefit greatly from the involvement of fathers," says Kyie Pruett, MD, professor of child psychiatry at Yale and author of Fatherneed . The intellectual gains are measurable as early as the first year of life, and they continue to show up through high school, especially when dads, together with moms, are actively involved in school and learning.

According to the experts, fathers create this intelligence advantage, as well as many others, in three important ways: in how they play, interact in everyday situations, and teach.

1. Rough-and-Tumble Dads

Fathers tend to be more arousing and unpredictable with kids from the get-go. They rock infants more than moms do, and roll around with them in floor play. Babies as young as eight weeks old notice the difference between a mom's protectiveness and a dad's stimulation.

When pediatric researcher Michael W. Yogman, MD, videotaped two-month-olds, for example, the little ones showed special signs of excitement when their fathers approached. They scrunched up their shoulders, breathed more rapidly and opened their eyes wide. And kids pick fathers over mothers for fun and action more than two-thirds of the time, according to a study of the preferences of two-and-a-half-year-olds by Alison Clarke-Stewart, professor of psychology at the University of California, Irvine.

When Tim Otterman of Morristown, New Jersey, wrestles with his sons, 9-year-old Chad and 8-year-old Andrew, "it's about affection, not aggression," he says. "They're also learning their capabilities and limitations."

Research shows that this kind of daddy-style play builds cognitive skills, and helps children acquire social and emotional experiences that prepare them for school – how to take turns, how to negotiate, regulate and understand feelings, and how to be a leader. "Kids who learn these early social skills from their fathers do better with peers," says Ross Parke, distinguished professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, and author of Fatherhood.

2. Dad as Explorer and Expert

I still remember when my own dad, Ralph, first took me to work with him. I was just four years old the day we awoke as the sun was rising. He boosted me up into his gas truck, and we headed out to farms in eastern North Carolina. The acres of crops, the big animals and the farm machinery were all spellbinding. I wondered: How did he find out about these places and know how to talk to people? In my small-child way, I understood that this experience was unique: My dad had introduced me to a world beyond my own neighborhood.

From our earliest moments in life, dads help us face the world. Most moms prefer holding their infants toward them; babies find this safe and comforting. Fathers swap that feeling of security for a broader view, letting babies notice the sights and sounds around them.

When a dad asks his child for help with yard work, for example, he opens the door to informal teachable moments about biology and botany. Kids value the information and novelty, and their conversations about real things – what educators call "science process talk" – create the curiosity and problem-solving skills needed for science and math.

3. Dad as Unique Teacher

In this country, most children don't have male home-room teachers until middle school. The shortage of male teachers in preschools and grammar schools means that most kids miss out on the experience and competence that men can share – making it even more important for dads to play an active role at home.

One way to do this is by reading together. The books a father selects, and the way he reads them and talks about them, strongly influence kids' language development, reading skills, and general knowledge, according to Pruett. A dad is more likely to choose nonfiction over fiction. He might select a book about airplanes, treating his child to a varied vocabulary and the enticing sounds of his male intonation.

Daddy-style reading does make an academic difference, many experts agree. Girls whose fathers read to them, according to a Michigan study, show much higher verbal skills. For boys, the stakes are perhaps higher. When a father doesn't model reading, a son may decide that it's not an activity meant for males. And when boys don't read for pleasure, it's a choice that handicaps their fluency, word recognition and knowledge base.

Other advantages: When fathers teach how to build with blocks or throw a ball, they're constructing large- and small-motor skills, sensory pathways and body awareness.

Encouraging Time With Dad

Moms sometimes spoil the fun with concerns about sleep, safety or cleanliness. Parke suggests that moms pick their battles. Mom Katie Pike agrees. "David is so enthusiastic with love for our girls," she says. "I wouldn't want to intervene. In fact, it warms my heart to hear them getting all silly upstairs."

Dads also engage more with their children "when they're considered partners in parenting and not merely helpers," says Parke. "Let a father choose the activity, and he'll be much more enthusiastic."

"I welcome Eric's fresh perspective and physical attention to Will," says Caroline McAlpine. "When Eric walks in the door. Will climbs all over him." To promote this interaction, Caroline calls her husband during the day to let him know something Will said about him, or to say that their son is excited to see him. She also talks up Daddy to Will, nurturing their relationship – a role mothers do so well.

Even when men don't live in the same home with them, their presence in their children's lives is still vital. "We have a saying: There are ex-husbands but no ex-fathers," says Parke. "The studies on divorce are quite clear. Children do well when they know that their father cares – for example, if he supplements visits with telephone calls, letters or e-mails."

Moms and dads are indeed different, concludes Parke. "But their distinctive styles of caretaking complement each other perfectly to the advantage of children."

Judsen Culbreth, former editor-in-chief of "Parent & Child" and "Working Mother," conducts workshops for parents.

The 4-12 Window?

Bama reports kid evangelism works. And sticks.

Pre-teen children are more likely to accept Christ, and those who do so are more committed to their faith for the rest of their lives. That's the finding of a new study by researcher George Barna.

Nearly half of all Americans who called themselves "born again" made their professions of faith before age 13 (43%), and two out of three born-again Christians did so before age 18 (64%). Barna found that only 13% received Christ between the ages of 18 and 21, and only 23% after age 21.

That means evangelism among younger children works. And it sticks.

Barna's survey shows that younger converts (before age 13) are more likely as adults to describe them-selves as "deeply spiritual," give more money to church, and engage in lifestyle evangelism. Those who wait until high school or college age (13 through 21) are less likely to remain "absolutely committed."

Half of the younger converts were led to faith by a parent; another 20% by some other relative or friend; and 7% by a minister.

Parental influence declined among teens; and by adulthood (after age 21), a friend was the most likely influencer to faith (19%).

"The weekend service is no longer the primary mechanism for salvation decisions," Barna concludes. "Only one out of every ten believers who makes a decision to follow Christ does so in a church setting or service.... Personal relationships have become even more important in evangelism, with a majority of salvation decisions coming in direct response to an invitation given by a family member or friend."

For more information, please visit Barna.org

Recipe for Happiness in Marriage

Want a Happier Spouse? Boost Your Own Happiness, Says Researcher

By Miranda Hitti
WebMD Medical News

March 22, 2005 -- The old saying about marriage that "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" is getting some scientific support.

Cultivating your own happiness could make your spouse happier, too.

"A married man is significantly more satisfied with his life when his wife becomes more satisfied with hers, and vice versa," says British researcher Nick Powdthavee.

In fact, the positive impact of having a happy spouse can offset major problems such as unemployment or hospitalization, he says.

However, there's a twist. The happiness data hinges on marriage. Unmarried couples living together didn't show the same pattern, says Powdthavee.

Happy Husband, Happy Wife

It's not easy to turn an ethereal emotion like happiness into concrete science. But Powdthavee, who works in the University of Warwick's economics department, gave it his best shot.

He took information from the 1996-2000 British Household Panel Survey. That included 9,700 married people and some 3,300 unmarried people living with their partner. All were 16-65 years old.

The survey's topics included life satisfaction, education, income, and health.

Based on those answers, Powdthavee used a complicated mathematical formula and principles from psychology to parse the nitty-gritty details of happiness. He found that in married couples, happiness can overflow from one spouse to their partner.

When a husband or wife notches up their own happiness level, the positive impact on their spouse is big, says Powdthavee. How big? Here's how he puts it:

"It is significantly greater than the effect of owning a house outright; it can completely offset the non-[financial] cost of unemployment; it is equal to not having to spend around two months in the hospital last year," says Powdthavee.

That's based on a 30% increase in happiness in the spouse not facing those problems. In other words, happiness can be contagious -- in a good way -- in marriage, even for a partner facing burdens.

"This paper has shown that married people have become more satisfied with their life over the years merely because their spouses have become happier with theirs," says Powdthavee.

Some people, by nature, are happier than others. The results take that into account.

Unmarried Couples -- Not so Fast

The same results weren't seen among unmarried couples who lived together. The reasons for that aren't clear. Perhaps unmarried couples are less committed or tend to focus more on themselves, instead of on their partner's well-being over time, says Powdthavee.

He says this is consistent with studies showing a higher break-up rate and eventual marriage failure by those cohabiting with a partner compared with a spouse.

The findings were presented in Nottingham, U.K., at the Royal Economic Society's annual conference.

How to Stop Bickering Over Money

Readers Digest - May 2005

WHEN couples fight over money, it’s usually because a spender and saver don't see eye to eye. Tips for keeping the financial peace:

Choose your moments. Financial discussions turn sour when emotions run high and personal attacks hit low, says Richard Geist of Harvard Medical School's psychiatry department and author of Investor Therapy. Instead of pointing fingers, set a time to talk, and express concerns beforehand in an e-mail or typed letter, which can be read and considered free of friction.

List your plans. Most financial tiffs are triggered by divergent views of how money should be spent, says Sharon Rich, a financial planner in Belmont, Massachusetts. Team up by listing mutual goals and major future expenses such as retirement timing, and paying for college costs or the purchase of a vacation home. Then weigh the reality of monthly bill and spending patterns against those goals. "This sobering exercise usually gets spenders to police their impulses," says Rich.

Cap the rewards. Most people who spend beyond their family's means feel they deserve sizable rewards for the stress and strain of everyday life, says Geist. Agree in advance that items costing more than a set amount will be discussed before purchase and evaluated against monthly expenses. M.M.

Can You Hear Me Now?

By MaryRoach
Readers Digest - April 2005

THERE is a special form of hearing loss that afflicts couples. They don't have to be old, or even

middle-aged—just married for a while. Ed's condition is most noticeable when he's reading the newspaper over breakfast. I’ll say, for instance, "Oh, look at the cedar waxwings in the birch tree!"

Ed will keep looking at his paper for three or four seconds. Then he'11 go: "What did you say?" By now the birds have moved on to the next backyard. Or worse, they'11 still be there, forcing me to repeat my inane, mind-numbingly dull comment, a comment not worth repeating to

anyone, and in particular, a man transfixed by the latest on Roger Clemens's salary negotiations.

I have come to believe that Ed's hearing loss is aiso limited to the specific tonal register of my voice. His brain has learned, over time, that this particular vocal range is best ignored because there’s a high likelihood it will be a) saying something mind-numbingly dull or b) accusing him of not listening. If someone else—Roger Clemens, for example—were to sit down at our breakfast table and make reference to the cedar waxwings, Ed would look up and respond.

"You bet I would," said Ed when I pointed this out. "You don't take Roger Clemens for granted like you do your wife." He added that there is no such team as the Cedar Waxwings. Then he went back to his paper.

Ed believes that I, too, have a unique form of conjugal hearing loss. I can't make out the first two

words of almost anything Ed says to me. I say he mumbles. He says its me. He printed out a page from a website called Ten Ways to Recognize Hearing Loss. No. 6 said: "Do many people seem to mumble?"

"Not many people," I said. "Just you."

Ed didn't hear this, as he'd walked into the kitchen. This is the other problem with married couples' communications: They attempt to carry them out while standing in separate rooms or on separate floors, preferably while one of them is running water or operating a vacuum cleaner

or watching the Cedar Waxwings in the playoffs. Just last night I was at the sink brushing my teeth when Ed responded to something Pd said with the line: "Yours is not to do or die."

"WHO died?" I yelled through the bristles.

"DO OR DIE!!"

"WHO’S DEWAR?"

This is how our conversations go these days. I don't believe it has anything to do with our ears. We're just too lazy to walk down the hall and address each other face to face, like civilized, respectful adults. Ed recently saw a specialist about ringing in his ears, and I went along to get a

professional’s view on spousal hearing issues.

Dr. Schindler carne into the examining room and sat down on his little wheeled stool. He was wearing one of those strapped on head lamps, for looking down throats or coal mines.

Ed smiled at him. "You have something on your head."

I shook his hand. 'Tin here because I have a question about hearing and marriage." Then I launched into the story of how Ed doesn’t listen at breakfast, and how he thinks I don't listen when anyone could tell you he's mumbling.

Dr. Schindler said that he wasn't a counselor. The look on his face said, What part of "otolaryngologist" do you not understand? Wisely, he did not actually pose this question, or

we would all still be there.

Then the doctor began talking about age-related hearing loss. "Around 40, we start to get worse at filtering out background noise ..." Ed and I are both deep in denial about this so-called "aging" thing. Ed cocked his head toward Dr. Schindler. "Did you say something?"

Who's the Boss?: What to do if the balance of power is out of whack in your home

BY JUDSEN CULBRETH - Readers’ Digest - April 2005

BEFORE SHE even rolls out of bed in the morning, six-year-old Mary Beth White of Wilmington, Delaware, gives her parents their marching orders. "I want eggs for breakfast," she announces. "I want to see what you pack in my lunch box. After school, let's get chicken nuggets. Then let's come home so I can change into a dress before we go to the mall."

Her parents, Tom and Jill, have a challenge on their hands. "In a way, it's great to have an organized kid who knows her own mind," says Jill, who has a younger daughter as well.

"Trouble is, Mary Beth will sometimes go too far. She'll tell me what shoes to wear, or insist that I paint the dining room a different color.  The other day she tried to rearrange the furniture by herself. And when she plays with friends, she has to be the star. If she doesn't get her way, she gets angry."

Some children are natural-born bosses. They have an innate need to make decisions, manage their environment, and lead rather than follow. Stephen Jackson, a first-grader from northern New Jersey, "operates under the theory of what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine," says his mom, Sue. "The other day I bought two new Star Wars light sabers. Later, I saw Stephen with the two new ones while his brother was using the beat-up ones."

"Examine the extended family, and you'll probably find a bossy grandparent, aunt, uncle or cousin in every generation. It's an inheritable trait," says Russell A. Barkley, a professor of psychiatry at the Medical University of South Carolina and co-author of Your Defiant Child.  Other children drift into dominance to fill a power void when they sense their parents are weak, ambivalent, or in disagreement with each other.

Whether it's temperament or temper tantrum at work, too much control in the hands of the young isn't healthy for children or the family. Fear is at the root of a lot of bossy behavior, says family psychologist John F. Taylor. Children, he says in his book -From Defiance to Cooperation, "have secret feelings of weakness" and "a craving to feel safe." It's the parents' role — not the child's — to provide that security.

When a "boss child" doesn't learn limits at home, the stage is set for a host of troubles outside the family. The overly willful, persistent, and inflexible child may have trouble obeying teachers or coaches, for example, or trouble keeping friends. It can be pretty lonely as the top dog if no one likes your domineering ways.

"I see a trend of parents abdicating their authority," says Barkley, who has studied bossy behavior for more than 30 years. "They bend too far because they don't want to be as strict as their own parents were. But they also feel less competent about their parenting skills. And their kids, in turn, feel more anxious."

How can parents regain respect and peace without being overbearing? These suggestions can help realign the balance of power.

Unite and Conquer. Strong-willed kids are often unusually bright, gifted and creative. Their parents need to be especially thoughtful and on their toes, ready and willing to actively manage them. Otherwise, youngsters — even toddlers — will sense an opening. "Bossy kids tend to work more on the mother," notes Barkley. "It's important for both parents to be mindful of their child's trigger points, to agree on key rules, and to back each other up."

Say "Yes" When You Can. Children do not learn in a stressful, angry atmosphere. Before change can take place, family feuding needs to be defused. Evaluate sources of conflict. Kids tend to dig in and act defiant when their parents over-control them, telling them exactly what to wear and eat, for example.  "Be calm and firm about fewer family rules," suggests Barkley. "If your child wants yogurt for breakfast but you've made pancakes, let it go once in a while." It's a matter, he says, of "prioritizing the nos."

Pay Attention. Studies show that demanding and defiant kids receive less affection and positive acknowledgment — and more punishment — than compliant kids. Withdrawing from a small tyrant is a parent's natural response, but it feeds the child's fears, resulting in more attempts at control. Kids need to experience their parents' love in concrete ways so they'll feel safe enough to relax.

"When I give her my full attention for at least 20 minutes a day, Mary Beth is very attuned to me," says Jill White. "That's when I can get her to think and compromise. Recently I told her, 'We have a problem. You like to pick out your clothes, but I want to decide what you wear to church. What should we do?' On her own, she suggested Mary Beth days and Mommy days."

Make Respect Reciprocal. Exquisite manners are essential for family diplomacy. Modeling "please" and "thank you," and showing a child by example how to suggest and request rather than bark orders, preserves everyone's ego. It also builds the social skills needed to keep authority figures and friends happy.  Try asking your child to do you an easy favor. Then reward it with a hug and words such as, "Thank you. I like it when you listen to me." Good manners and compliance will become associated with pleasure.

Secure Your Status. Even as you try to be attentive, respectful and accommodating — to a point — don't surrender your parental command post. Instead, sit tall in the saddle, as one mom put it, by using body language and eye contact that tells your child who's in charge. Also, rope off adult privileges: "That's Daddy's chair. Please choose another."

Enforce rules swiftly and surely. "It's bedtime in 30 minutes. Finish your game so we can share a story." Refuse to engage in further debate, and simply turn off the lights at the appointed time. Bossy children can turn out to be popular, determined leaders, or unhappy, fearful loners. They look to their parents to be parents — the people who will show them how to tap their potential.

_____________________________________________

Judsen Culbreth, former editor-in-chief of "Parent & Child" and "Working Mother," conducts workshops for parents.  This article appeared in the March 2005 Readers' Digest.

Family Ministries Home

March 3, 2005

When Marriage Can Hurt a Heart: Marital Strain Can Raise Risk of Death, Heart Disease  

By Miranda Hitti - WebMD Medical News  

Feb. 17, 2005 -- Marital strain is a home wrecker that can endanger the heart. So says a 10-year study of 3,000 men and women aged 18 to 77.

All participants were married or living in a "marital situation." The researchers collected data on marital discord. Health was tracked for a decade to see who developed heart disease or died of any cause during the study.

For both men and women, marital strain affected their health.

Marital Strain and the Married Couple

The worst health risk was seen in women who hushed up when conflicts arose with their spouse. They said they usually or always silenced themselves in such situations.

Those women might have thought they were keeping the peace, but they paid dearly for it. Women who kept mum in marital conflicts had four times the risk of dying during the study, compared with women who spoke their minds.

For men, emotional expression wasn't the issue. Instead, their hearts suffered when they saw their wives come home from work burdened by job stress.

"Men reporting that their wives' work was disruptive to their lives were 2.7 times more likely to develop heart disease," say the researchers, who included Elaine Eaker, ScD, of Wisconsin-based Eaker Epidemiology Enterprises. The findings were reported in Orlando, Fla., at the Second International Conference on Women, Heart Disease, and Stroke.

A Health Perk for Husbands

Married men were about half as likely as single men to die of any cause during the study. That finding held true after adjusting for blood pressure, body mass index, smoking, diabetes, and cholesterol.

Single men were more likely than husbands to be smokers, says Eaker, in a news release. Past studies have also shown a health advantage for married men.

For women, marital status wasn't linked to heart disease or dying. The connection emerged when Eaker used more contemporary measures of marital strain, such as "self-silencing" behavior.

What's a Couple to Do?

Learning to handle conflict and defuse stress is a healthy idea for everyone. Counseling can help with that, with therapists available for individuals and couples. Doctors may also want to ask their patients about stress and make counseling referrals as needed, says Eaker.

PREPARE/ENRICH is one of the most widely-used programs to help couples develop or maintain a good, strong relationship.  The next training seminar will be held at the Minnesota Conference office on Tuesday, April 5, from 9:00 am to 4:00 pm.  For cost and registration information please contact Pastor Claudio Consuegra via e-mail or by phone 763-493-4911.

Minnesota Conference of Seventh-day Adventists--Family Ministries
7384 Kirkwood Court, Maple Grove, MN 55369
Phone: 763-424-8923 -- Fax: 763-424-9576
Email
Web site: mnsda.com